An Open Letter to Movie Theater Patrons in the Same Auditorium as Me
Hi gang! I don't know about you, but I'm pretty excited to see this movie. I mean, I like Woody Allen a lot. And I hear this is one of his better films as of late. I skipped Anything Else Hollywood Ending and The Curse of the Jade Scorpion or whatever that one was called. In fact, I don't know that I've caught one of Woody Allen's films since Small Time Crooks.
I feel a little guilty about this because, though I think Woody Allen is a great filmmaker with plenty of hits and misses under his belt, I've only seen 4 or 5 of his films in the theater (not counting the seemingly 2,000 times I've seen Sleeper at a revival showing) and everytime I've been to one of them at the theater, the opening credits never fail to give me a little thrill. You know, the black background and stately white text he always uses? It makes me feel as if I'm both in familiar territory and uncharted waters in a way that few things at the movies can. I like that a lot.
So yeah, I know that the previews are considered "fair game" for cell phone use and talking to one another, but I'm hoping when the movie starts, you'll understand if I would prefer it if you didn't talk. And, I'm not, like, being some "Miss Manners" ogre or something. I mean, I think a whispered comment to your friend or spouse, like, once every 30 minutes or so is okay. And, certainly, if something affects you, like a lot, I love it if you burst out with some noise that indicates this feeling. That's part of the reason I go to the movies... you know, to be with strangers and have both a personal and a communal experience at once. So, like, if the movie moves you, I think it's wonderful if you let us know in a sort-of non-verbal way. Or at least keep it to one phrase (though some phrases, such as "you go girl" are unacceptable in any circumstance).
I know it's hard for a lot of you to sit patiently and just watch something and let it exist without feeling as if you have something very pertinent to add to the experience for your friends or lovers. And I know a lot of you are trying to be polite by whispering to one another, unaware that you're whispering in a sort-of pseudo stage whisper that lots of people, particularly the people right in front of you, can hear quite clearly. I know it's hard, really hard, to not tell someone and the people sitting in front of you something that occurs to your goldfish brain at the precise moment you think of it, because you might forget it later on, thus leaving that observation, pithy comment, or particular confusion lost to the ether.
I understand this. I really do.
With this in mind, I've written a very handy little list of things to remember. Refer to this should you have the urge to speak during the film.
1) Generally speaking, you are not more interesting or funny than a movie. Whatever you have to say, you should reserve it for the ears of people who love you and, thus, forgive you for being this boring and uninteresting.
2) If you think that you are more interesting or funny than a movie you're watching, you should know that the odds of this being the case are about 8,000,000 to 1. Note that these odds recycle themselves every second that the movie plays. So, you have 8,000,000 to 1 odds of being more interesting or funnier than the movie every second. Be warned, this even applies to the most pretentious art-house films. You do the math.
3) Assume that everyone can hear you. Because we can. If you must say something be sure that it is funnier or more interesting than the movie. Remember your odds.
4) Your "free pass" for talking on a cell phone extends up to the moment the previews are over. This is usually demarcated by some cutesy little film for the company that owns the theater you're currently in. At this moment, I will ask you to stop talking on your cell phone loud enough for all patrons to hear. If you refuse, I will ask the projectionist to stop the movie until your conversation is over. And I can be quite persuasive with projectionists.
5) The same rule applies to conversations you're having with the person seated next to you.
6) This may be the most important item on this list. If you are with a friend, lover, spouse and the two/three/whatever number of you haven't talked to each other for some time and would like to spend time with one another, reconsider going to the movies and think about a coffee shop or a restaurant. You can talk quite freely in these establishments and no one will mind.
7) Remember, movies can be a very powerful medium. If you stop talking, stop feeling as if you have to be a part of the experience in any conscious way, relax and let the movie do all the work, they can be powerful enough to change your entire worldview. I realize many of you are just looking to be "entertained" and find the prospect of having your preconceptions about the world challenged in any way to be far from entertaining. I also realize that some of you haven't realized that movie encompass a wide swatch of styles and, thus, are a little disappointed (even angry) when a movie is not made to your particular preferences. I understand that this can be hard to overcome. For those of you who feel this way, I would like to ask you to stay away from all movie theaters and, instead, watch things on your television at home. It is better for all of us this way.
8) Sometimes movies are purposefully confusing for a few moments before they clear things up. If you are lost, don't ask what is going on. Nine times out of 10, the movie will explain it for you. If it doesn't, it's either a bad movie and pointless to ask since very few people will know, or it's purposefully oblique to talk about the ambiguities that plague modern existence and there is no answer to your question. Or both. Either way, your question has no answer and you should spend more time at home reading books.
So that's it! Very easy. It mostly boils down to remembering that there are other people in the theater other than you and your friends. And as the self-centered idiots that you are, I'm sure you will have trouble remembering that until I shout "stop talking on your cell phone" loudly at you. But if you could keep this with you, even just as a matter of good faith, maybe some of it will sink in and we can avoid such unpleasant incidents.
(Oh, and to the upper-middle-aged man in professor clothes and glasses sitting in front of me who said "thank you" to me after one such incident: you're welcome, and you're exempt.)
I feel a little guilty about this because, though I think Woody Allen is a great filmmaker with plenty of hits and misses under his belt, I've only seen 4 or 5 of his films in the theater (not counting the seemingly 2,000 times I've seen Sleeper at a revival showing) and everytime I've been to one of them at the theater, the opening credits never fail to give me a little thrill. You know, the black background and stately white text he always uses? It makes me feel as if I'm both in familiar territory and uncharted waters in a way that few things at the movies can. I like that a lot.
So yeah, I know that the previews are considered "fair game" for cell phone use and talking to one another, but I'm hoping when the movie starts, you'll understand if I would prefer it if you didn't talk. And, I'm not, like, being some "Miss Manners" ogre or something. I mean, I think a whispered comment to your friend or spouse, like, once every 30 minutes or so is okay. And, certainly, if something affects you, like a lot, I love it if you burst out with some noise that indicates this feeling. That's part of the reason I go to the movies... you know, to be with strangers and have both a personal and a communal experience at once. So, like, if the movie moves you, I think it's wonderful if you let us know in a sort-of non-verbal way. Or at least keep it to one phrase (though some phrases, such as "you go girl" are unacceptable in any circumstance).
I know it's hard for a lot of you to sit patiently and just watch something and let it exist without feeling as if you have something very pertinent to add to the experience for your friends or lovers. And I know a lot of you are trying to be polite by whispering to one another, unaware that you're whispering in a sort-of pseudo stage whisper that lots of people, particularly the people right in front of you, can hear quite clearly. I know it's hard, really hard, to not tell someone and the people sitting in front of you something that occurs to your goldfish brain at the precise moment you think of it, because you might forget it later on, thus leaving that observation, pithy comment, or particular confusion lost to the ether.
I understand this. I really do.
With this in mind, I've written a very handy little list of things to remember. Refer to this should you have the urge to speak during the film.
1) Generally speaking, you are not more interesting or funny than a movie. Whatever you have to say, you should reserve it for the ears of people who love you and, thus, forgive you for being this boring and uninteresting.
2) If you think that you are more interesting or funny than a movie you're watching, you should know that the odds of this being the case are about 8,000,000 to 1. Note that these odds recycle themselves every second that the movie plays. So, you have 8,000,000 to 1 odds of being more interesting or funnier than the movie every second. Be warned, this even applies to the most pretentious art-house films. You do the math.
3) Assume that everyone can hear you. Because we can. If you must say something be sure that it is funnier or more interesting than the movie. Remember your odds.
4) Your "free pass" for talking on a cell phone extends up to the moment the previews are over. This is usually demarcated by some cutesy little film for the company that owns the theater you're currently in. At this moment, I will ask you to stop talking on your cell phone loud enough for all patrons to hear. If you refuse, I will ask the projectionist to stop the movie until your conversation is over. And I can be quite persuasive with projectionists.
5) The same rule applies to conversations you're having with the person seated next to you.
6) This may be the most important item on this list. If you are with a friend, lover, spouse and the two/three/whatever number of you haven't talked to each other for some time and would like to spend time with one another, reconsider going to the movies and think about a coffee shop or a restaurant. You can talk quite freely in these establishments and no one will mind.
7) Remember, movies can be a very powerful medium. If you stop talking, stop feeling as if you have to be a part of the experience in any conscious way, relax and let the movie do all the work, they can be powerful enough to change your entire worldview. I realize many of you are just looking to be "entertained" and find the prospect of having your preconceptions about the world challenged in any way to be far from entertaining. I also realize that some of you haven't realized that movie encompass a wide swatch of styles and, thus, are a little disappointed (even angry) when a movie is not made to your particular preferences. I understand that this can be hard to overcome. For those of you who feel this way, I would like to ask you to stay away from all movie theaters and, instead, watch things on your television at home. It is better for all of us this way.
8) Sometimes movies are purposefully confusing for a few moments before they clear things up. If you are lost, don't ask what is going on. Nine times out of 10, the movie will explain it for you. If it doesn't, it's either a bad movie and pointless to ask since very few people will know, or it's purposefully oblique to talk about the ambiguities that plague modern existence and there is no answer to your question. Or both. Either way, your question has no answer and you should spend more time at home reading books.
So that's it! Very easy. It mostly boils down to remembering that there are other people in the theater other than you and your friends. And as the self-centered idiots that you are, I'm sure you will have trouble remembering that until I shout "stop talking on your cell phone" loudly at you. But if you could keep this with you, even just as a matter of good faith, maybe some of it will sink in and we can avoid such unpleasant incidents.
(Oh, and to the upper-middle-aged man in professor clothes and glasses sitting in front of me who said "thank you" to me after one such incident: you're welcome, and you're exempt.)
posted by DMW at 11:06 AM
10 Comments:
I just want to say again THANK YOU! You saved my marriage that night.
I really enjoy watching movies on a big screen, but viewing them in a theater has become such a pain in the ass lately. I have been trying to go to smaller theaters at odd times to avoid crowds, but more often than not, I find myself stewing in my seat wishing fiery death upon everyone in the theater.
The weird thing is that it used to be that teenagers were the biggest problem in movie theaters. Now the biggest offenders seem to be (probably unhappily) married couples. My theory is that they've forgotten how to talk to one another or run out of things to say to one another unless there's a moving picture in front of them.
Teenagers eventually become married couples.
...and married couple make more teenagers. A vicious cycle of movie disruption indeed!!
Somebody needs to release the Kraken to devour these disruptors to break the chain!
...and married couple make more teenagers.
I promise never to make more teenagers.
My husband and I go to theatres at odd times as well. Sunday mornings are my favorite times to go. Yes, we get a few old people yakking or saying "What did he/she/they say?", but most of the time it is nice and quiet. We go so far as to find "new" theatres to go to that are kind of hidden away and have less than 100 screens.
The worst experience I had with teenagers was when my hubby and I went to see TOY STORY 2. Here we are, in a theatre half full of little ones, and these obnoxious teens come in right in the middle of the movie, talking and swearing and of course, sit right behind us. We tell them to shut the hell up, they curse back at us and leave a few minutes later. When the lights go up, the lady next to me starts yelling that her wallet's been stolen. Friggin Ghetto-ria Mall theatres.
The closest I've ever been to having a punch-up at a movie theatre was when I went to see (cough) Alien vs Predator. Granted it is a horrible film but I used to read the comics so dammit I was there to hear every single word spoken in that piece-of-shit movie. The Alpha Idiot sitting behind me was one of those guys who'd voice what had just happened in the film to his homies ('Yeah! Cut his friggin' head off! Did you see that? His head came right off.') as if explaining the action sequence to a blind person. Fifteen minutes. Non-stop. I eventually turned around and asked the gentleman to quieten down. He said 'Make me.' I then invited the guy to step out of the theatre for the beating of his life. Aside from a few sucking of beverages through straws the rest of the movie was enjoyed (sic) in silence.
Fatman: I am morbidly curious bout Alien v Predator since Aliens was such a large part of my burgeoning interest in movies as an adolescent.
Nicely done. I've never had to threaten violence and doubt that I'd take it that far. I wish I had a friend who would though. Or a robot who would. My own personal movie-going ED-209.
David- I know that you can and have watched one movie a day for an extended period of time but do me a favour and avoid this one. You'll come out of it and kick the nearest kitten into a furnace just to calm down from how bad it actually is. I know what you mean about the Aliens trilogy (I'm ignoring Jean-Pierre Jeunet's '97 version). Each one had a lot going for it- I even liked the Fincher one which most people disliked.
Post a Comment
<< Home